


Domestic Arrangements

by nigellecter



Category: Charlie Countryman (2013), Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Drug Use, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, M/M, Post-Canon (Charlie Countryman), Pre-S3 (Hannibal), criminal activity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 09:44:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6849340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nigellecter/pseuds/nigellecter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A touch of domesticity, as told in a series of texts.<br/>Set a year after Desperate Measures, and leads into Breaking Point.<br/>Unbeta'd, our mistakes are our own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Domestic Arrangements

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my lovelies! A little bit of the domestic life of Will and Nigel.
> 
> This leads directly into the events of Breaking Point, and the rating is set to include Nigel's cursing and general references to drug use, violence and sex.
> 
> The ellipses ( ... ) mark the changes between Nigel's texts and Will's. Hopefully it's easy to tell, though!

_ Will to Nigel, 12:14 pm... _

[12:14] I know new apartments have strange sounds.  But are we sure this one isn’t haunted?

[12:17] Apparently it was our new neighbour.  She brought us … food?

[12:20] I have no idea what this is.  

 

...

 

[text: 12:28] I am sure it’s the sound of them copulating. You know, I could literally fucking hear them even when I’m sleeping. The reason why I had that damned unintended morning wood a few nights ago.

[text: 12:34] Did a fucking alien barf all the fucking undigested tentacles and kidney stones out? I’ve lived in Romania for twenty fucking years and hadn’t seen that…. atrocity.  

[text: 12:39] It might have poison inside, I’d throw that fucking shit out immediately. 

 

…

 

[12:45] I don’t want to think about our octogenarian neighbours having sex.  Seriously.  I’m going to sleep on the couch from now on.

[12:47] It jiggles when I lift up the plate.  And it smells of peas and mayonnaise.  You say you’ve never seen it, but I’m not so sure.. Remind me again why I agreed to move to Romania?

[12:50] As thanks for the geriatric sex mental image you’ve given me, I think this alien jelly is going to be your dinner.  Never say I don’t take good care of you.  

 

…

 

[text: 12:55] Is octogenarian neighbors having sex bother you more or my member turning from sea cucumber to a rock-hard cucumber? 

[text: 13:01] The only jiggly thing I want in our flat is  _ mămăligă _ , made of cornmeal. potato and feta cheese. Don’t ask me, you were the one who collided with me in the most unexpected manner. 

[text: 13:08] I’d rather go to sleep on empty stomach than having that take over my body and I do have other things to occupy myself with. Before I dump the content onto your face, I would strongly advise you to grind that up in the food chute. 

 

…

 

[13:20] This thing really is hypnotically ugly.  And I’m afraid that if I tell the old lady that we liked it, then she’s going to make it again.  We could end up outnumbered by alien jellies.

[13:22] Have I ever had a problem with you waking up hard?  Except for the mornings we have no time for it.  Which is depressingly often, lately. 

[13:23] You wouldn’t dump the jelly on me.  Not if you want a good night kiss that doesn’t taste like a Lovecraft monster.  

[13:24] Oh God, I think it’s waking up!

[13:25] Will is gone, he is no more.  Signed, the Jelly.

 

…

 

[text: 13:42] Kindly tell her it slipped from your clumsy fingers and wasted half of it, but say the other half had been saved… Who the fuck am I kidding, tell her it was utterly horrendous.

[text: 13:51] Not at all, although this fucking meeting is gruelingly long and boring. Where’s your fucking hand when I need one!

[text: 14:10] I’d rather have the Death Star blow up in my fucking face than having your nightmarish kiss of doom. I take that back.

[text: 14:19] You must be bored off your fucking ass. Buy a hose to splash Arctic cold water all over yourself now and then all over us so we could wake up without me having to thump those fucking alarm clocks to their expectant demise.

 

…

 

[14:22] I’ll figure something out before you get home.  The jelly will have vacated the premise.  Though the smell might remain.  Really, Nigel, it’s like nasal napalm.

[14:23] I’m flattered that you think about me in your meeting, even if it is only my hands.  I’d send you a photo, but I don’t think Darko would appreciate you being that distracted when he’s trying to villainously monologue.

[14:30] We do need another clock.  The one we have is starting to sound a bit.. off.  Do you think that lady at the shop is starting to get suspicious?  It’s the third this month.

 

…

 

[text: 14:37] I hope it doesn’t gather itself around to turn into a clump of fucking porous spore that would multiply in godawful amounts.

[text: 14:50] His ‘villainous monologue,’ more so a droning of wasps just came to an unnecessary lengthy conclusion. I would summarize it into one simple sentence; kill that bastard.

[text: 15:01] Considering we don’t look the types to be studiously deconstructing the clockwork, I assure you, I don’t think that’s the case. Or better, I don’t fucking care, get a better working, indestructible one I could have a hard time smashing.

 

…

 

[15:05] The alien jelly has been assassinated, and all the windows in the apartment are open.  The risk of spore contamination is pretty minimal.  Also, I think you’ve watched too many alien horror movies.

[15:07] Were you surprised?  Darko likes to talk, just so he can listen to himself.  I’m not going to ask if it’s someone worth killing, either.  I’m assuming it’s Darko throwing pouty tantrums again.

[15:10] If you’re going to criticize my taste in alarm clocks, then you can pick one up on your way home.  Either that, or I’ll go out, and you can pick up dinner.  Pick your poison.

 

…

 

[text: 15:16] Don’t fucking underestimate the power of jelly spores, who knows it might invade you through your nasal cavity and… You’re right, I need to fucking stop watching those B-rated horror movies.

[text: 15:21] Someone got into the wrong pipe with him again, unsurprising there with his temper tantrum. He’s either fucking zip-mouthed or in this case, fucking rampant loose. I prefer the former, as you can tell.

[text: 15:27] I’m picking up dinner, the usual? And I’m buying disposable bowls and plates. While you’re there, grab a fucking dozen of them.

 

…

 

[15:32] Suddenly I have an urge to watch Little Shop of Horrors.  I blame you if I’m humming broadway musical tunes all day tomorrow.

[15:40] When he’s silent it means that he’s thinking.  Or trying to think (the jury is out on the reality of that) which means that it’s just going to cause more trouble for you later.  

[15:41] But it does mean you get home at a reasonable hour.  So maybe him shutting up is better.

[15:50] A dozen alarm clocks, paper plates and whining would-be criminals.  Oh the luxury of living with you.  You must be a charming bastard if you convinced me to leave the US for an alien-jelly infested Bucharesti tenement building.

 

…

 

[text: 15:57] Be a fucking charmer and don’t hum anything remotely close to an alien signal. That might be the goddamn trigger for them to invade your body. Ugh, you with rows of jagged teeth doesn’t help with my welcoming respite after all of this abhorrence.

[text: 16:03] More like playing a fucking Russian roulette, except it’s more unpredictable. I’m going to side with the latter - I literally want to stitch his fucking mouth shut with the amount of details. I don’t mind the gory details but ugh, I would be rather surprised off my feet than having the visualization right up in the creases of my brain.

[text: 16:10] I can feel the fucking love over-brimming with joy on both ends. I’m such a lucky bastard.

 

…

 

[16:11] I make no promises.  But I don’t think I could pull off angler fish teeth.  Really, we have enough problems without adding alien dentistry to the mix.

[16:12] You know I feel your pain.  Quite literally.  Apparently the people at the Securitate have the same morals as Jack Crawford.  At least your kills don’t end up on my desk.  You have no idea how much I want to keep it that way.

[16:20] You are such a lucky bastard, I’m glad you realize it.  

[16:21] I was tempted to text you something obviously affectionate.  Apparently you were right about alien jelly spores after all.

 

…

 

[text: 16:30] I prefer as you are right now, let’s conclude at that.

[text: 16:33] Much appreciated if anything ever ends up on your desk that has my name written all over it, my modus operandi would be in your face enough to let some evidence aside. Oops.

[text: 16:39] I was being quasi-sarcastic but yes, I know.

[text: 16:45] I am never wrong, I wish you could see my face right now.

 

…

 

[16:50] There are certain things that would be a lot more difficult with anger fish teeth.  I think we can both agree that they would be a serious pain.  Literally.

[16:55] Your work hasn’t ended up on my desk, but it has in my department.  That Czech businessman, for instance.  I’m sure you can find a way to thank me for making that evidence disappear.

[17:02] I’m at the shop.  What exactly constitutes a Nigel-proof alarm clock?  I don’t think they make them out of adamantium.  But there is one here that will run away from you.

[17:05] The thought of you running around the room after a clock is surprisingly tempting.  On a scale of 1 to 10, how dead would I be?

 

…

 

[text: 17:13] My canines would be enough for the desired effect (more hickeys?).

[text: 17:17] I will give you a fucking bear hug and a vintage bottle of whiskey. You know that motherfucker deserved justice, not enough of it served after tailing me home and threatening you, no his life isn’t entitled on this earth.

[text: 17:25] Ohhh, get fucking three dozen of them, target practice-worthy clocks. Now I am going to drill those fucking things and slash lopsided frowns along the dashboard.

[text: 17:32] In my fucking boxers and rod sticking out? A hundred.

 

…

 

[17:40] Nigel, if you leave any more marks on me, people are going to think I’m dating a strigoi. And I don’t need my coworkers trying to cut off your head.

[17:42] I know.  But I’m alive and he isn’t.  Problem solved.  People will think twice about bringing their problems to our door again.

[17:44] That’s exactly what would happen.  You’d leap out of bed, run after the thing for three minutes, and then put a bullet through it. And then we’d have to start buying them in bulk!  

[17:45] Then again, I’d be dead.  Or sleeping on the couch.  So I wouldn’t get to enjoy the show.  Are you almost home?

 

…

  
  


[text: 17:49] Tell them to come and fucking get me. Rather curious to see how well they would fare against me, aka a furious wrecking ball of blaze. 

[text: 17:53] Unless it’s out of this fucking world pie or a platter of medium-rare filet mignon, I wouldn’t expect any other unnecessary company. 

[text: 18:02] I’ll wager you, I wouldn’t even last fucking three minutes and we would have to put up adamantine roof and walls before buying the clocks in crates.

[text: 18:08] I’ll be merciful and let you sleep on the floor instead (and let you roll).

[text: 18:20] On my way, I’m picking this prodigious, jumbo-sized soup containers. With shit loads of bacon lodged in those oven-baked potatoes.  

 

…

 

[17:50] I don’t think they’d fare at all, you’d squish them like grapes.  Oh my knight in shining armor.

[18:10] Hurry home.  I’m starving, and you’re sending me pictures of soup.  Maybe no such a knight after all.  You’re a very bad, bad man.

[18:12] And you wouldn’t leave me on the floor.  We both know I wouldn’t be able to sleep without you wrapped around me like a big, snoring constrictor snake.

 

…

 

[text: 18:24] The store owner is heating them up and he remembers ‘that American with bouncy curly hair who goes fucking bananas over anything remotely one-pot wonder,’ so he’s generously giving you extra. 

[text: 12:30] Take that back or I am picking off a copious amount of pork chunks away from your soup and bacon bits. 

[text: 18:32] I DON’T FUCKING SNORE, but I know how you love our entanglement of limbs. Both means of comfort and stability, perhaps?

 

…

 

[18:33] As the person who washes the dishes, I have a vested interest in not making more work for myself.  Plus, that shop makes the best soup I have ever tasted in my life.

[18:35] Fine, I withdraw my statement, but only because I don’t want you to dawdle the whole way home.  

[18:36] Are you analyzing our sleeping habits?  I’d tell you my opinion about having you in bed, but I’m sure you don’t need a reminder.

[18:37] Hurry up, would you?  Food aside, I missed you today.  (I intend to never admit that again. I hope you enjoyed it.)

 

…

 

[text: 18:40] Can’t ever beat the family-run, tested and tried place that serve the most authentic pork soup, but I think your gumbo is incorrigible second. 

[text: 18:44] I’m fucking forced to move in a snail pace because I am running fucking low on fuel. Fuck, I’d have to drag this monstrosity for a few blocks. 

[text: 18:50] I just know I happen to be a nightmare-chaser. 

[text: 18:52] How fucking sweet of you, I could see your pupils protruding out of that cell screen right now. I did miss you too, the time seemed to stretch longer than taffy. 

[text: 19:00] If you miss me that much, drag your ass downstairs and give me a hand! 

 

…

 

[18:54] How affectionate you are when we’ve been apart all day!  I see you coming up the road, I’ll meet you downstairs in a minute.

[03:31] Have I ever mentioned that I hate Darko with every last fiber of my being?  Of course he had to make sure there was a body left out, so I’d be called into the scene in the middle of the night.  I’m sorry, chere, it looks like I’m going to be stuck here for hours yet.

[03:34] And yes, I’m sure it’s his work.  His scenes have a particular air of petulant whining child.

 

…

 

[text: 18:56] I am about to turn into that fucking pork inside the succulent broth, I don’t want my whole bloody body to taste like scorched pork skin. 

[text: 03:37] I think your fixed gaze burning through Darko’s thick-skinned mug had been an enough confirmation. At least I try to be discreet and clean. Darko likes it rather… slapdash.  

[text: 03:40] Like when Darko’s tooth knocks out and he wants so desperately to place that under his pillow for the tooth fairy’s taking, but it’s fucking lost and you won’t get that shiny silver dollar. Find that damn tooth and discard it,  _ cret blana mingii. _

[text: 03:44] You should see Darko’s face when he gets a black eye. Then you would breathe more than the air of petulant whining child. He becomes an embodiment of all bursting temper.   

 

…

 

[04:15] The next time he leaves me stuck out here.  In the cold.  In the middle of the night. I’m going to give Darko a black eye myself.  Slapdash isn’t even the word, this is just sloppy.  

[04:20] Ironically we did find a tooth.  As much as I don’t mind the idea of Darko rotting away in a cell, I think that evidence should go away.  Just in case the corrupt officials here try to trace it back to you.

[04:22] You don’t have to stay up, you know.  You could go back to sleep.  It’s hours until dawn.

[4:21] Inspector Lupei is asking who I’ve been texting.  He’s the sort of homophobic creep that still stares too much when I walk by.  This is going to be a long shift. 

 

…

 

[text: 04:17] I will give him a black eye with your name attached to it. Of course, mentioning your name would be redundant. 

[text: 04:21] May I have that? I should shove that in Darko’s fucking face and tell him to take it easy. I’ve knocked a few teeth in my volatile fury but you’re doing him a considerable favor. I should tattoo that in the back of his asshole so he could have it as a irremovable affidavit. 

[text: 04:25] I might catch a shuteye. Just for a couple of hours before daybreak.

[text: 04:27] It’s your fucking black leopard with a gleaming set of teeth, yawning and snarling at the same time. Get to work, I will talk to you in a few. 

 

…

 

[04:29] I’ll save you the tooth.  But only if you promise never to mention Darko’s asshole, in any context, ever again.  God, Nigel, you’re going to put me off sex for life.

[07:58] If Lupei puts another hand on my shoulder, I’m going to break his fingers.  It’s just the two of us in the office, and I don’t need empathy to know what he’s thinking.

[08:01] Don’t forget to pay the rent today! xoxo 

 

…

 

[text: 04:34] Can’t promise that, but I will try. I wouldn’t want that particular withdrawal in my life, Will, ever.

[text: 08:02] What the  **fuck** has he done? I am already casting a fucking spell so he can profusely bleed out from his rectum. 

[text: 08:05] Fuck! You just made me cut myself on the jaw. I thought we already fucking paid that shit. 

[text: 08:08] Before I get behind the bars for assaulting a police officer, be kind and gently break his finger like you would a toothpick. 

 

…

 

[08:10] What’s with your obsession with asses this morning?!  Should I be worried about what’s waiting for me when I get home?  Bleeding rectums also inspire my celibacy.  Enjoy your withdrawal.

[08:11] This is why you aren’t suppose to shave and text at the same time.  Are you alright?  And no, we didn’t.  We paid it last month.  It’s sort of a recurrent annoyance, every 4 weeks or so.

[08:15] Believe me, I want to.  But I don’t think assaulting my boss in the middle of the office is a good idea.  I can feel his eyes on the back of my neck.  About as subtle as a sledgehammer.

 

…

 

[text: 08:18] Nothing worrisome, I assure you. It just happens when you bleed from down there, it’s the most painful. And that’s the kind of withdrawal I don’t want.

[text: 08:23] Of course I’m fucking okay, just a bit of a hindrance, that’s all. I’ll just pay a large sum and forget about the whole fucking thing for a year.

[text: 08:26] I’ve already tasted blood so it would be bloody easy to let that flow. If he wants to maintain his cerebral cortex, I would kindly mention he should keep his fucking filthy sight somewhere else.

 

…

 

[08:32] Fine, so we pay the rent up front, I’m fine with that.  Just make sure it gets done, otherwise we’re going to be stuck looking for a new apartment.  And I really don’t want to unpack.  Again.  

[09:42] I’ve been waiting for a chance to just get rid of him all morning.  Anywhere but the office, which has too many cameras.  But of course, apparently he never needs to leave his desk.  Unless it’s to creep around mine.

[09:43] Remind me to get a scary picture of your for my desk.  Something that screams ‘hands off.’  See if that’s enough of a prompt to get him to back off.

 

…

 

[text: 08:45] It is taken care of, along with that fucking lingering scent of alien pores. I had to dump a whole bleach and lemon soap all over the damn sink. Now I am fucking high. 

[text: 09:41] I am already shooting bloody daggers from my eyes and about to set the fucking kitchenette on fire. Should I send that picture of me?

[text: 09:48] I am about to bring a fucking fire extinguisher to fight off that clumps of alien pores with rows of jagged teeth. Fuck. I think I am hallucinating. 

[text: 09:52] I am hungry and I have no fucking fuel (both in me and damned bike). When do you get off? I want sweetbread.  

 

…

 

[09:54] Thank you for the picture, I’m going to make sure he sees it.  Because I don’t want to kill him if I don’t have to, that seems like asking for trouble.  

[09:55] The wrong kind of trouble.  I think I need to clarify that.

[10:03] I’m off in a few minutes, I’ll pick up stuff on my way home.  And you’re not going to starve, there’s food in the fridge.  Probably leftovers from last night, if you want to heat up the soup.  

[10:08] Do you want anatomical sweetbreads, or is this a prompt to pick up some of those glazed almond pastries from the bakery across from my office?  I’m not sure if you want thymus or marzipan, and you’ll be very disappointed if I guess wrong!

 

…

 

[text: 09:56] I should have not wiped that fucking trace of blood, that would’ve made the message tenfold clear. 

[text: 10:01] I don’t want that fucking soup. I’ve had it for two days in a row. Albeit my favorite - I think I am gonna turn into a fucking hog with the amount of pork inside me.

[text: 10:05] How could I fucking forget about that marzipan. Get a dozen of those and on the way home, buy some ground coffee. We’re out.

[text: 10:08] No hazelnut crap.

 

…

 

[10:10]  I’m sure you’d look adorable with a piggie nose.  I guess in this case ‘you are what you eat’, if you’re turning into pork soup.

[10:12] So you want me to pick up sweets, lunch, coffee.. Anything else?  Because I’ve been dealing with Darko’s bloody tantrum, and my boss leering at me, since 3am.  When I get home, I’m taking a long, long shower.

[10:15] My boss just asked if you were my brother, when he saw the picture.  He may just be too stupid to live.

 

…

 

[text: 10:16] Don’t fucking assume I’d make a piggie noise because I’m turning into one. 

[text: 10:18] And I haven’t taken one just yet. Besides saving the water crap, I want my sledgehammer gaze instead of that fucking creep’s on the back of your head. 

[text: 10:21] I should just pick his useless eyes off his sockets before disposing him off the face of the earth. We have zero fucking resemblance. 

[text: 10:24] Fly traps. 

 

…

 

[10:23] I like the way you look at me, even if you are as subtle as a rhino!

[10:24] The last time you took a shower with me, we both nearly ended up with concussions.  I’ll see if there’s anything to stop the bottom of the bath from being so slippery.

[10:32] Finally, I’m out of there!  I thought I was never going to escape.  I need to figure out a way of dealing with him.  Though your idea has merit.  I thought you were killing people without the drama.. Removing his eyes is poetic irony.

[10:45] Just got to the shop.. Why do we need fly traps? Have you infested the apartment with flies?

 

…

 

[text: 10:28] Subtlety doesn’t get you anywhere, especially with my fucking line of work.

[text: 10:30] There you go, one more thing for you to pick up. Just drop by those mega marts and buy some slip-resistant mats. The last fucking thing I need is another head injury.

[text: 10:33] How the fuck did he become an inspector again? This country is so fucked up with so many things.

[text: 10:48] Half the pie I got a few days ago has taken a comfy home under the fridge. It fully metastasized into maggot-infused deliciousness. I am about to set the fridge on fire. 

 

…

 

[10:50] No, I definitely prefer your not-subtle head in one piece.  I don’t care to have the Inspector skulking around our apartment, trying to figure out if I brained you in the bath on purpose.

[10:55] Oh God, why was it under the fridge?!  And how did we miss that smell?  I hate housework, but apparently I need to do more of it.

[10:56] Please don’t set the fridge on fire.  We don’t have an extinguisher.  Or marshmallows for you to roast over it.  

[10:59] On the upside, I did find the slip mats.  One is bright pink, and the other is orange.  With frogs on it.  I don’t think I could take you seriously on a frog mat.

 

…

 

[text: 10:52] I blame all of that on two bottles of Țuică we quaffed. We had fucking underestimated the ‘white lightning.’ 

[text: 10:57] See above text. Although that fucking blueberry pie had been fucking heavenly. Now the used-to-be berries look like zombified alien hatchling. 

[text: 11:00] We should totally make those fucking s’mores. We already live off of takeout foods and liquors. 

[text: 11:03] I am not getting in the shower with fucking bright pink and orange frogs staring at me from under. 

 

…

 

[10:54] Yes, right, that.. I think that explains the pie, you’re right.  I don’t remember much about that night.  Still not sure why we decided it was a good idea to sleep on the bedroom floor.  Or why all our socks were thrown around the room.

[10:55] Even then you make a good pillow.

[11:04] There’s no reason we can’t cook, we just choose not to .. And coffee is a food group, don’t forget.  You wanted hazelnut, right?

[11:07] While you are the sexiest man I’ve ever met, even I couldn’t take you seriously with an audience of frogs.  

 

…

 

[text: 11:04] You were one fucking hell of a mess, with both of your legs in sleeves of your robe and the hood covering your… Yes. 

[text: 11:06] And your slithering and constricting skills are exemplary. 

[text: 11:07] NO FUCKING HAZELNUT That isn’t coffee!

[text: 11:10] I would rather prefer hazelnuts as a chunky spread. They better put tons of almonds on that marzipan.  

 

…

 

[11:11] I’m not sure if I should be flattered or not.  You make me sound like a snake!  I assure you, you’re the one with the constricting habit.  Most mornings I feel like I have to extract myself from bed.

[11:13] Right, I know, only hazelnut coffee!  I won’t forget, I’m putting it into my basket right now!  

[11:14] I’m not sure if there is… I just grabbed an assortment of whatever they had in the case.  It all looks good, though.  Especially these little raspberry things, dusted in powdered sugar.  Now I’m making myself hungry.

[11:17] If I was a hell of a mess, I blame you.  We should try that again, but without the blackout quantities of liquor.

 

…

 

[text: 11:13] What can I say? You’re one particularly comfy body pillow and I am rather picky about who I assign to be my special one. 

[text: 11:15] *insert a million grumbling emojis with a bomb going off* I will fucking going to bury you in the tub with all the coffee dumped on you. 

[text: 11:18] Fuck, now I want those cheese balls with nuts coated on them. They make hell of a fucking finger food for my secret stash of cherry pálinka.

[text: 11:20] I didn’t know you had a fucking whore in you. I should try docking more often. 

 

…

 

[11:21] I can grab them on my way home, I have to pass by that shop.  And your stash isn’t nearly as secret as you think!

[11:25] Call me whore again,  _ iubitule _ , and you’ll discover the rare and wonderful world of sleeping on our uncomfortable couch for the forseeable future.

[12:30] You’re not nearly as charming over text.  It must have something to do with a lack of your gorgeous voice.

 

…

 

[text: 11:24] We will have a fucking cheesy gooey tooth rotting feast with an addendum of sugar spike.

[text: 11:30] That sounds rare but not fucking wonderful at all. I should just get rid of that fucking old creaky couch for an entirety.

[text: 12:00] I’m ordering a new black reclinable couch and a new coffee table aka our kitchen table.

[text: 12:34] And your sarcasm either, dear Will. It adds more effect with your deep blue gleaming along with that bat of your long lashes.

 

…

 

[12:42] How long until the new couch arrives?  I won’t be sad to see that old one go.  You had it before we got together and it was ancient then.  I’m sure we can have fun breaking in a new one.

[12:45] Of all the days to get stuck in traffic.  I want to be home with you, not twiddling my thumbs in a jam.  Those maggots better be gone before I get home.

[12:50] So if I flutter my eyes at you, I’m going to get what I want?  Such easily exploitable weaknesses you have with me.

[12:55] Not sure if I’m so hot from thinking about you, or because the AC is shot.

 

…

 

[text: 12:45] Expected delivery date a week to ten days, I’m gonna call the customer services and give a yell at them to expedite the fucking process.

[text: 13:00] Maggots along with that damn couch are gone, I had the liberty to give them a new home as well as helping some of those homeless. I’m so empathetic like you.

[text: 13:03] Depends, I prefer you twiddling something else than your fingers. I’m abso-fucking-lutely sure it’s me. It’s all me, /William/.

 

…

 

[13:02] And what are we supposed to sit on for the next week if you’ve gotten rid of the couch?  Are we supposed to camp out in the bedroom?

[13:03] Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad.  I retract my complaint.

[13:05] Fuck, Nigel.. That’s a mental image I didn’t need while stuck in traffic.  If I tell you that I’m dying for you here, will you consider blowing off work this afternoon?

 

…

 

[text: 13:06] Exactly my thought, I’m glad you can see the advantageous side of not ever leaving the bedroom.

[text: 13:09] I fucking own half the bloody club, I could make that exception even without you suggesting to do so. Stop fidgeting around in your seat and make yourself hard when you get here.

[text: 13:11] How considerate of you to admit it. Since I am in a rather good mood, I’ll have the bath nice and bubbling fucking hot for you.

 

…

 

[13:14] Were you listening to the octogenarian neighbours again?  Or did chasing the alarm clock around just get your blood going?  I’m trying to figure out why my innocent, celibate boyfriend is suddenly so hot under the collar.

[13:17] I can’t do anything about the traffic, if I could, I wouldn’t be sitting in it.  I’m trying not to think about you waiting for me.  Being hard for you is definitely not a problem.

[13:18] However, the traffic is moving at a snail pace. I could crawl home faster than this.

 

…

 

[text: 13:15] My blood doesn’t necessarily need to get going for that kind of thought to surge down my boner. Do I have to digress even more to enlighten you I’m none of those things?

[text: 13:19] More so to retreat from not one, but two abominable sights I had to face. I deserve a fucking welcoming respite.

[text: 13:21] I don’t want those marzipan and cheese balls to melt.

 

…

 

[13:25] Maybe I’m just hoping that the thought of me is enough to be distracting.  Good to know I’m just a distraction from your work.  Does that mean I need to thank Darko for my sex life?

[13:30] They won’t.  Apparently the AC works, a bit, in the back seat.  If it didn’t, it would be your boyfriend that was melted.

 

…

 

[text: 13:28] No need to thank Darko. You know well who to thank for, I could tuck into you as well as those sweet as fuck and cheesy feast.

[text: 13:31] The last thing I need is to pick up your melted goop. Just think of the magnificent view you’ll face and the liquor.

[text: 13:33] How can I cheer you up? I’m already devising a plan to kill him. We’ll ambush him together. It’s bugging me like a fucking bug trying to make its way out from behind my eyeballs.

 

…

 

[13:51] I’m sorry, love… I’m exhausted and hot, and I’m sick of being stuck behind an endless convoy of fucking vehicles.  I’m furious that Darko’s stupidity had me dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, and that it’s the middle of the afternoon and I’m still not home.

[13:53] I should be able to deal with the bastard Inspector myself.  But I don’t know what to do with him.  Is being a homophobic creep really grounds to kill him?

[13:55] God, I wish I was home with you right now.

 

…

 

[text: 13:52] Little curly ball of frustrated empathy, aren’t you gorgeous? I will personally deal with his idiotic oaf-like behavior. I should carve a fucking brand on his goddamn forehead.

[text: 13:55] YES. You should issue a fucking restraint, give him restraining order stipulation of twenty feet.

[text: 13:58] My arms are hopelessly empty right now.

 

…

 

[14:03] I don’t care if you just tell him to hide his kills better!  As long as I don’t have to deal with blood and brains at 3am.  Seriously, it looked like he was playing target practice around the tea table.

[14:05] And every time he comes within 20 feet, I get to break one of his fingers?  It’s so tempting, but I think I’d run out of fingers before he got the picture.  I don’t like being alone with him.  He makes my skin crawl.

[14:10] The traffic seems to finally be breaking up.  I’ll be back to you soon.  My place is right in your arms, I haven’t forgotten.

 

…

 

[text: 14:08] He’s not particularly known for precision when practicing, his marksmanship needs a significant improvement. I’ll make him dance with my bullets, that ought to get the message across.

[text: 14:12] Print that picture I sent you and slap it on that motherfucker’s PC. With blazing daggers. I am actually tempted to boil him alive.

[text: 14:15] Now that’s a fucking relief. Before I turn into a gigantic lump of fucking emaciated prune, hastily make your entrance along with all article of clothing discarded.

[text: 14:21] Fuck… That palinka is potent, on empty stomach.

 

…

 

[14:32] Promise me that you’re going to get that on tape.  We can delete it after, but I want to watch Darko learn how to dance.  Consider it a belated anniversary present. 

[14:38] Quid pro quo.  You let me see you deal with Darko, and I’ll catch the Inspector’s reaction to finding out about you.  After all, I have to indulge your curiousity, and your temper.  And I love watching you work.

[14:44] Have you just been turning yourself into a raisin, and drinking palinka all morning?  It’ll serve you right if you have a wicked hangover before dinnertime!

[14:46] Should I be worried that you’re too blitzed to get it up for me?

 

…

 

[text: 14:34] Consider it already fucking done, I’ll have it on the security camera by the day after tomorrow when I get everything set up and you should have it on your phone by the morning.

[text: 14:35] Mm, my mind is wired up like a clockwork. I’m winding up the devious plan to get everything to unfold itself.

[text: 14:45] I’ve only managed to sip half the content. Oh fuck man it’s spreading like a fucking radioactive stream.

[text: 14:47] Don’t fucking doubt my precious rod, it isn’t a roly-poly man, you know.

 

…

 

[14:51] I feel so spoiled.. If there’s anything you need a hand with, just ask.  Considering all the late nights, ridiculous mornings, and generally inhuman hours he’s forced us to deal with, I’m really going to enjoy this.

[14:54] Even half a bottle of palinka is enough to get you off your head, that stuff is stronger than it tastes.

[14:55] Probably because it taste like fruit juice and mouthwash.  

[14:58] Oh I know.  But it’s been a while, I think I might need another illustration.  My memory is a bit fuzzy.

 

…

 

[text: 14:56] Almost home? I’m going through my last fucking cigarette, I’ll need more than a fucking pack. 

[text: 14:58] Enough to give my subliminal stimulus a bit of a kick, but I’m no more than being fucking tipsy. 

[text: 15:01] I thought your wild imagination was unrestrained enough, but let me be your guide to let that become more rampant. 

[text: 15:02] Hurry the fuck up. I’m starving for both the food and your physical self.

 

…

 

[15:05] I hid two packs on the top shelf in the kitchen.  It seemed easier than going out in the middle of the night for them.  Again.

[15:06] And I could easily imagine what you’re planning, but why would I?  We both know how much you like your little gestures to be a surprise!  And I wouldn’t want to spoil that.

[15:08] I’m a few blocks from home, you won’t have to wait much longer.  So which are you craving more?  Me, or your lunch?  I have both, you can choose the order you get to enjoy them.

 

…

 

[text: 15:07] Too fucking late for me to fetch those now, my fate is sealed upon the very tub I reside in. 

[text: 15:09] Shut your damn mind and let me do what I do best - you won’t have to move a fucking finger.

[text: 15:10] Why not both? I am particularly talented at multitasking. Especially when it comes to feeding myself with concoctions such as combinations of those two. 

[text: 15:13] Surprise me, like a fucking coiled snake, well, more like a mongoose slithering by one such as myself. 

 

…

 

[15:32] Is that you way of saying that you’re too comfortable to get them, and want me to grab a pack while I’m in the kitchen?

[15:34] Or have you and the bath simply become one, indivisible, and I will have to suffer through an empty bed from now on?  Oh woe is me.

[15:42] Finally I can see the apartment!  I’ll be up there in a just a second.  And we’ll see how the palinka has effected your multitasking. 

[15:43] Te iubesc, you smug creature.  Make sure the water is warm for me.

 

…

 

[text: 15:35] I wouldn’t need a pack while I’m eating and providing you what you need by pleasuring mine also at the same time. I can multitask fine, but not that much.

[text: 15:38] Don’t fucking push it, my dear fluff ball.

[text: 15:44] Questioning my performance? Well, let us see how you can restrain from pouncing me like that previous night. Or do I have to unwind the clockwork a bit and let you loose, wee man?

[text: 15:46] You can draw a comparison. Between the water and me, which one’s more hotter? I believe you once compared me to the sun’s surface.  

 

…

 

[15:50] You pretend to be Casanova, but it’s still my name you’re pairing with God and muttering into my back.  And my scratch marks on yours.

[15:51] I’m not apologizing for those, by the way.  They’ve all faded now, I think you need some new ones.

[15:53] You know, a reminder to others that you’re my sunshine.  Also, I’m on the last flight of stairs.

 

…

 

[text: 15:54] And there’s a burning desire for you to expand that pattern to fill the entirety of my back. Same could be said as I felt that tingle along the cords and veins. I do love the taste of your blood and it seeping through my pores. 

[text: 15:55] And I assure you, there would be no fucking resistance on my part. All is given, I welcome the boomeranging possessiveness.

[text: 15:56] I can hear your bouncing leap of chafing excitement. Is that your member looking at the number? 502. Somewhat looks like 69 if you look closely.  

 

…

 

[15:55] I’m more than sure I can oblige.  I’m not sure what it says about us, but I love being able to see you on my skin for days after.  You might have the monopoly on possessiveness, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less mine.

[15:58] I’m not sure we could manage that position in the bath.  I think one of us would drown.  Still, that’s not a bad way to go.

[16:01] Listen carefully and I’m sure you can hear my keys in the door.

 

…

 

[text: 16:00] It says get your fucking paws off what’s mine. If anyone looks at you with more than a little glance, consider them wiped off the face of the earth like a swatted fly. And of course, I appreciate it being returned and I expect it well.  

[text: 16:02] Not in the bath, of course, silly, but I am suggesting it for a later time when we’re less of prunes. 

[text: 16:03] You have no fucking idea my nose and ears are like that of dogs. You get into fucking risky business such as mine, your innateness catches it on, as if upgrading itself. I could even hear your curls bounce and see them shimmer. 

[text: 16:03] Do I hear a fucking ghost of a smile spreading over your jaw?

 

…

 

[16:01] Just as long as you remember that you’re mine… And you know there’s nobody else for me.  Just you.  Now shut up, add a bit of hot water, and I’ll join you in the bath, just as soon as I throw my work clothes in the laundry.

[02:21] I come down to the club, because as usual, you forgot your wallet.  And what do I see?  A miniature blonde in a metric ton of glitter climbing all over you.  What the fuck, Nigel?

 

…

 

[text: 16:04] You’re the only person who could fucking get away with telling me to shut up. 

[text: 02:25] What can I say? I am a fucking chick magnet. She was fucking sloshed, not my fault.

[text: 02:27] See where my hands are? Haven’t even fucking touched her. Another fucking Versace shirt down in a dump because of Ştefania. She’s one of the girls who works in the club if you didn’t know and she’s too far fucking immature for my taste.

[text: 02:30] Where the fuck are you? I don’t hear you coming in. 

 

…

 

[02:32] I was there, but I didn’t feel like watching some woman attempting to climb you like a human cat tree.  I left your wallet in your jacket pocket in the back room, so you’ll have enough money to get a hotel tonight.

[02:32] Her being drunk doesn’t make this any better.  You certainly weren’t trying to stop her.  So go, be a chick magnet.  What does it matter to me?

[02:40] I know most of the girls that work there, I’ve never met that one before.  She’s very young, and pretty.  Your decision to hire her?

 

…

 

[text: 02:38] No need for a fucking hotel - I’ll just crash in my office.

[text: 02:40] Not a goddamn thing, apparently. Go on, be a fucking hawk and loom over the entire establishment if you have to. I fucking gather you’ll have another cleanup soon, courtesy of dynamic duo. 

[text: 02:44] As a co-owner of this club, I was entitled to an opinion, although Darko manages the whole logistics and all that. Before you fucking fret over all of this, should I have the bloody new roster confirmed by you? 

 

…

 

[02:45]  Don’t you fucking start with me.  I don’t care when the staff flirts with you, but that girl was angling for a lot more than a pay raise.  Clearly she didn’t get the memo that you’re off limits.  And if she wants to keep her hands, she better leave them off my boyfriend.

[02:50] And don’t you dare make me out to be the crazy jealous one here.  If anyone had been crawling all over me like that, you’d have shot them between the eyes.

[02:55] And Stefania is still very much alive.  You’re welcome.

 

…

 

[text: 2:48] I would’ve fucking skinned him alive. For the other gender, Darko can take care of her, I don’t kill women.

[text: 2:53] Go ahead, give her the fucking Cheshire smile she deserves. I’d fucking love to take a seat in the corner and watch you do some irreparable damage, just like I’m going to put a fucking plastic bag over your damned boss’ head and make him choke on his fucking blood!

[text: 3:00] Did I ever tell you Darko once flirted with me on April fool’s day for fucking real? Would you kill him if he squeezed my ass?

 

…

 

[02:58]  Don’t try to sweet talk me, Nigel.  A little recreational bloodshed isn’t going to win me over.  Cutting her up like a Christmas goose isn’t going to absolve you.

[03:05] And you still haven’t explained why you didn’t tell her to get her glitter crusted hands off of you.  The math here is really fucking simple.  Nigel belongs to Will.  

[03:10] Unlike Stefania, Darko has been around long enough to know better.  I wouldn’t kill him.  I’d slice off some fun parts of him, and see how much people liked him then.  Teach him a lesson he wouldn’t forget again.

 

…

 

[text: 3:08] It’s her fucking damn job you dumbass. She has to coax patrons to splurge their goddamn money, that’s why she’s dressed like a fucking whore with revealing cleavage and skimpy skirt that would take only an arm’s reach down to her fucking sex.

[text: 3:10] For your fucking information, if she can get me to stay in that goddamn couch like that without me having to hurl her over the other side, she’d bring a fucking ton of greens.

[text: 3:15] This talk isn’t gonna do over bunch of fucking texts, turn around and get your fucking ass down here asap.

[text: 3:18] Do me a fucking favor and slice off his junk. I don’t even care how you do it, he should stop fucking around with all the girls.

 

…

 

[03:20]  Hands off YOU, fuckwit.  She can go crawl over someone else.  It’s not her job to plastered to you, specifically.  

[03:24] Oh?  Illuminate me, darling.  How exactly does Stefania manage to keep you there? Since you’re so obviously unwilling, right?  

[03:27]  Answer that, and I’ll consider coming down.  Right now I’m not sure if I want to strangle you, or fuck you over your desk.  Ill make sure you feel me for days, as a reminder.

[03:30] Next time he lays a finger on you, tell me.  Then we’ll see.

 

…

 

[text: 03:21] You leave me no other fucking choice, I mentioned I was one of the individuals who had to offer an insight. This is fucking ludicrous, I had to plaster myself onto the bloody couch or what if my hand went over her skirt? What would have you done then? Chop my fucking hand off?

[text: 03:25] If you don’t drag yourself down here, I’m doing to repeat what Achilles did to Hector’s fucking corpse.

[text: 03:27] Oh fucking try me, I’m not bending over that damned desk nor be fucked by anyone smaller than my size.

[text: 03:31] Never mind, I’ll fucking deal with him myself. He knows better once his feet had moved with a speed of light before.

 

…

 

[03:34] You’re digging yourself a really pretty hole here, sweetheart.  Before you were claiming that you didn’t touch her, now you did?  Maybe sleeping in your office will give you some fucking clarity.

[03:35] Or what?  You’re going to drag my dead body around behind your bike?  Well that’s one way to make sure I don’t get in your way anymore. Thanks but no, I’ll pass.

[03:40] So it’s fine for me, but not for you?

[03:41] You might be taller, but that doesn’t mean I can’t cut you off at the knees.  Maybe then you can find a better use for your crude mouth.

 

…

 

[text: 03:35] You know very well that’s not why I bring the fucking issue of chopping my hand off. If you can’t fucking register what’s happening from the photo nor believe in my words then so be it.

[text: 03:37] Out of all the fucking people I know you’d know better I’m capable of manifesting it, you being a significant other doesn’t get you that fucking free pass.

[text: 03:38] My fucking mind is not yours to judge, we’re done talking.

[text: 03:41] That fucking petty jealousy won’t get you anywhere. If you can’t deal with the nature of my work nor a kid who I’m indifferent to climbing over me like a tree, then I have zero fucking intention of letting that control go.

 

…

 

[06:42] I want to believe you. 

[06:53] Maybe I can’t deal with it anymore.  It was fine when they knew to just crawl over the customers.  But when it’s you, it’s different.

[07:10] I’ll leave my keys on the kitchen table. 

 

…

 

[text: 07:47] Would there be a reason for me to lie off my fucking ass?

[text: 07:54] Of what? You know fucking well I can’t quit what I do, as you can’t shut your empathy off, this is in my fucking blood. It’s part of what I do.

[text: 08:32] I won’t be there for days.

 

…

 

[10:15] So that’s it.  I guess.

[10:17] Maybe it’s for the best.  You don’t need any more hangers on and dead weight.

[10:20] I’ll make sure my stuff is gone before you get back.  

 

…

 

[text: 11:02] There’s nothing more to say.

[text: 11:08] You’re another one of those little passerby who leave a fucking dent in my heart that keeps widening. Why waste my fucking time when I could untangle myself free from the past once and for all?

[text: 11:10] Do whatever the fuck want with those, not mine to decide. I don’t want to take another plunge into what it seems like a netherworld, all those fucking spilled guts.

 

…

 

[11:11] Do you mean that?  After all this time, I was just a passerby?

[11:21] You weren’t, for me. 

[11:31] The Securitate shouldn’t have any reason to look to you about me, I’ll give them some reason for my leaving.  ‘Family emergency’ covers over all manner of sins.

 

…

 

[text: 11:18] Well, you ARE leaving, aren’t you? That puts you in a category of a passerby.

[text: 11:23] Of course we weren’t, we exchanged too many streams of thoughts to know we fucking weren’t. Fucking currents and jagged edges and all.

[text: 11:40] That seems apt. I can see Hannibal gloating up in my fucking face.

 

…

 

[11:41] Nigel, don’t do this.  Please don’t do this.  Your brother is years away, he’s got no idea what’s happening.  

[11:44] Look, just tell me where you are.

 

…

 

[text: 12:00] Oh, I fucking beg to differ. He’s drilling me like a fucking sergeant how fucking low I have sunk and all that miserable crap.

[text: 12:02] He does now, he does now… For who used to be a fucking mute, he doesn’t know how to shut the fuck up.

[text: 12:08] The same fucking place I had been since last night.

 

…

 

[12:10] Damnit, Nigel, how am I supposed to leave if you’re going to drink yourself into oblivion?  You’re going to get yourself fucking hurt.

[12:12] Look, it’s a long drive from where I am.  Please, just stay there, alright?  I’ll be there as soon as I can.

 

…

 

[text: 12:15] Is the downpour I see outside the window? I see something that wasn’t there before.

[text: 12:18] I see bunch of scalpels strewn around with a velvety warm red blanket. That must be for me.

[text: 12:30] I can’t fucking type or move my legs.

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
